If You Work At a Deli, You Need to Read This.

7 min readJul 19, 2023


If you work at McDonalds, you do not need to read this -because YOU already know this.

Even AI can make a sandwich with lined up bread for crying out loud.

How to MAKE a Frickin Sandwich.

Look, I know, I know, you are only working here to pay off that new switch or a trip to Europe or whatever. But will you please take on a little dignity for YOURSELF, learn how to make a pleasing looking sandwich.

It isn’t a difficult sandwich, we, your customers, can even make it. But the reason we have, on this day, chosen NOT to, is because we are far from home and have to go back to work. -yet we ARE starving.

And while there are other platters that we could get, like salad with potatoes, salmon and asparagus, we feel those take too much, as you really need a table, a fork, and knife for that. And at the moment, a sandwich would be great- bc we can grab WITH ONE HAND, devour it in maybe 4 bites- like a normal Tyranasaurus, easily, while on our way back to work, or at worst, as soon as we sit back down at work. A sandwich MAKES MUCH MORE SENSE for now, and saves time. -based on :

1.The time we have to spend eating

2.The amount of simplicity we need for each bite

3.And the lack of really any sit down area, or apparatuses available to us, when we are commuting between jobs in the middle of the city.

HENCE, a SANDWICH, that has been glued well together by some mozzarella and a panini machine,


Except for when you havent factored in the possibility, that the human, behind the counter, whom someone hired to make the sandwiches,

actually has no idea how to make a sandwich.

While a thought briefly enters your mind teetering on that fear, -because you are clearly a condescending douche, you quickly toss such an absurd doubt to the side, as the human behind the counter reassures you, that the sandwiches themselves,


Oh! great! You think to yourself, shaming your nitpicking anal mind,

cool ..problem solved! phew!” thinks your brain.

You hadn’t counted on the possibility that the person behind the counter, didn’t even think to line up the bread edges.- like a human with eyeballs would, as they place the premade sandwich into a panini machine.

You notice with a side glance, that the slices did look a bit precarious, but figured, surely the mozzarella once melted, will pull everything together in a Kardashian SPANKS kind of way, once the panini-ing factory got hold of both ends.

After the sandwich comes out of the panini maker, it then is also handed off to a second person, -as perhaps for that second-pair-of-eyes as they say, look over,

to make sure that the sandwich looks good, and is ready to be presented to the customer.

This inspector of a person was also the one in charge of now closing box where my sandwich had been placed, and then sealing the box with the branding sticker of the company. Therby, you assume, ensuring you, surely, that the process, and results, were totally copasetic. I mean they sealed it with their sticker!

This overseer then hands you your yummy box of food,

- with a genuine SMILE on their face no less.


silly me.. What had I been worried about?

(You stomach gleefully sighs a joyful staving but anticipatingly tasty sigh of relief)

And because you believe in people,

have faith in them,

and the universe,

you are pretty sure,

that you are going to have a yummy chicken moz avacado tomato panini waiting for your teeth to sink into when you get back to work and are able to sit down.


What a treat you have in store, for the only thing normal inside this innocuous looking box from the deli,

is the pickle.

It’s a large, uncut pickle.

The rest,

looks like a war zone.

Again, it was a simple order:







That was it, all they had to do was pick up the brick of food which was already sliced and laid between 2 slices of bread, and place the whole thing together on the panini maker,

Press the panini maker down, just like you are lowering the wheels on a jet plane.

Count to about 30, pick up the reduced rectangle, now char- lined-bread,

place it in a box ,

add a pickle,

and put a sticker on the box.


Instead , no one thought that 90 degree angled bread on top of each other with their opposite sides facing- like 2 positive ends of magnets facing each other

-wasn’t exactly- squared off.

And I don’t know why.

Maybe they never took math?

Or maybe nowadays,- batteries don’t exist?

I don’t know.

And in hindsight, I should have taken alert back a few months ago, when I placed a head of romaine lettuce on a conveyor belt at the super market, and the 20 year old cashier, picked it up, looked at me and asked, in all seriousness:

What is this?”

I should have realized the world was changing then.

Amazingly today, no one thot that the END of a tomato, where the knot is, wasn’t something too appealing.

As for the avacado, — it had entirely escaped the sandwich, only to paint a bread edge with a green tattoo shouting:

I WAs here”.

The biggest reason for me to grab a sandwich the first place was that compact ease of eating a meal.

This box of disaster shouldnt have even been called a sandwich. — ok fine- possibly “a deconstructed sandwich” ,

but for heavens-sake, label it as such, and I will happily pay twice as much, but I also would have known to grab a fork, knife and napkin for the challenge.

Instead this “normal sandwich panini” wasnt even a sandwich.

Forget grabbing the sandwich with one hand for an easy simple meal.

One hand got you a top half, of toast -and a bottom half of melted greesy mozerella,

because there was no bottom half of the sandwich.

Since 2 right angles don’t make a sandwich, and no one thot to square off the sandwich or match any edge up what so ever, every attempt at a bite, just split the sandwich further into parts of shredded, ruin.

There was not one simple thing about it.

Every bite had something going wrong, and the moz or chicken or tomato just got in my skin, and even under my nails and in my aura,- like I had been dumpster diving for my dinner.

The bits of avacado that weren’t tattooed, managed to leap onto my face,

but never into the sandwich.

I had to call it quits after about 3 bites, close the box with the sticker, wash my hands 4 times

and hang up the towel.

It’s not that we are sandwich snobs. I can make a sandwich just as good as the next person and definitely better than the idiots today.

The reason I ChOSe to pay 11.99 for this today ( with tax 15.99 thank u nyc) is bc I wasn’t getting home til later and wouldn’t be able to make something, so YEs I would happily PAY someone to make me that delicious sandwich.

And yet- they can’t do it.

Is society falling apart?

Or are you just really that dumb and can’t make a sandwich that has been 90% made already for you.

And the company clearly IS lazy enough to hire someone without finding out -if they can even do the job!

So we are looking for a person to man all of these machines, including that nuclear one over there. Do you think you can handle it?

Sure i got it, no problem .

Ok great! Youre hired.

Uh.. you don’t want to watch me, or check my credentials?

Nah. We trust ya.

If you were going to work for me, and you gave me a sandwich like that, I wouldn’t hire you.

If you can’t make a clean effin simple sandwich, then you need to re evaluate your life, and ask yourself:

“Hey self -why can’t I make a clean sandwich? “

And if you LISteN, your SELF will answer:

“ Because you don’t take pride in what you do.”

And then you say

“ whatev dawg, its a stupid sandwich”

And yourSELF will respond the way yourself has always responded to you:

Everything you do, say, or make, should be done to the best of your ability, or you are wasting your life, and my time. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but you have to know, that is pretty darn good.”

AND EVERYTIME YOU PUT IN THAT EFFORT in -whatever part of your life,

you are going to reap the rewards.

In the sandwich instance,

If that person had made me a human functionally absorbing sandwich, I would have shouted their praises and their name, within HOURS, and they would have been known as THE BEST sandwich maker in town. And eventually, that would have gotten back to David Boulud, who would have sauntered in, and asked for a sandwich, and the rest would have been history.

-Just because that person knew how to make a good sandwich.

-Things were tight.

-Nothing with the dripping potential to ruin an expensive shirt.

-Bread slices lined up with military perfection-placing seams in the mozerella as it happily edged the crust with gold.

-Cooked enough that the tomato stayed inside because it happily intertwined in a threesome with the chicken breast and avacado. And no one was planning on pulling out.

That’s it- forget about making your bed, just understand how to make a frickin sandwich and you will see your place in the sun.




Nomadic procrastinator suffering from run-on sentences-caught btwn a 9 -5; an exp passport; a 30 yr mtg;+a dog who has sep. anxiety when no oxford comma is used